If You Can't Convince Them, Confuse Them

Subtle manipulation or self-defense?

It got me thinking...

As an unrepentant observer of the human condition, I can't help but notice the way some people approach conflict. Some try to communicate calmly, some resort to guilt trips, and then there’s a subset who’ve mastered a curious art: if you can’t convince them… confuse them.

That phrase has an almost mischievous ring, but there’s a ring of truth in it too. Most people aren’t trying to sow chaos in their relationships. But when we feel cornered, confused, or like our own arguments aren't quite standing up, many of us, consciously or not, might throw in a red herring or two. And if you think about it, this tactic makes perfect psychological sense.

Research shows that when people feel like they're losing control in an argument, a certain fog can set in, both for themselves and for others. Under pressure, we get defensive, either closing up or throwing curveballs. Misdirection (or, let’s call it a “strategic deflection”) can be an unconscious self-preservation mechanism, shifting attention away from uncomfortable truths. It’s easier to confuse than to confront sometimes. That art of misdirection is like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces; you think you’re making progress, only to realize you’re just rearranging the gaps. It’s a great metaphor for the temporary illusion of progress that misdirection can create.

Let’s consider Amy, a client of mine, whose boyfriend recently confronted her about her habit of avoiding uncomfortable conversations. Every time they discussed something sensitive, like their future, Amy would somehow end up on a tangent about his messy apartment, or how he forgot her last birthday. Suddenly, his concern about commitment was overshadowed by whether he’s a decent partner at all. And it worked, for a time. The problem? The longer she deflected, the larger the issue loomed. Soon, her boyfriend felt like he was spinning in circles, unsure of where their relationship stood.

Or take Tony, an overworked manager whose employees frequently asked him about promotion timelines. Instead of addressing the question directly, he’d flood them with details about corporate restructuring, cost management, and global trends in the industry. By the end of it, they’d leave his office more puzzled than when they entered, often too exhausted to keep asking. His tactic was effective, but Tony was oblivious to how quickly this was eroding trust within his team.

So, is confusion actually useful?

Psychologically speaking, confusion can create a space where people pause to reflect or recalibrate. Sometimes, this can help us avoid a hasty response in the heat of the moment. And while this can be useful on occasion, especially to avoid saying something we might regret, it’s only a short-term fix. A relationship or conversation built on confusion lacks the stability to grow meaningfully.

So what is the cost of confusion?

Studies on communication in relationships show that indirectness and deflection can lead to feelings of isolation and frustration over time. By choosing confusion over communication, we risk losing genuine connections, and instead, we substitute real understanding for a superficial dance of half-truths.

If you recognize yourself in these examples, whether you’ve been Amy, Tony, or the confused person on the receiving end, ask yourself what you’re afraid of facing. Communication isn’t about being right; it’s about being real.

So next time you feel the urge to deflect, pause. Embrace the awkward silence. Because if you can’t convince them, maybe it’s worth asking why, and if you can be convinced yourself.